Thursday, February 19, 2004
I really really hate my life.... Just seems like it's filled with nothing but crap - from the stack of bills and van issues (Yes folks it's going back to shop tomorrow) to Deven having a rough time to me feeling like a completely incompetent human lately I hate my life....
And the worst part - I really feel like I have so few friends I can turn to and talk/complain/lean on about it all... Yes I have a few wonderful friends via the internet but some of them have issues far worse if not equal to mine and I have no right to bitch to them but I really don't have many f2f people I can turn to locally.... The VERY few I do have I feel so disconnected from - even more so now that I am not married - I mean what do we really have in common anymore???
Add to all of that self pity that Valentine's Day SUCKED!!! You know how I spent it??? Driving to/from Maryland w/2 overly whiney boys while we went and got my mom... I had no one to send me "sweet nuthin's" or cuddle with me or even send an ecard telling me I was thought of... Hell even the boys blew me off - Deven made a card and little candy gift for DADDY!! While I thrilled that Deven did that it still made me feel left out (even though the teacher added "Mom &" to the front of the "Dad I love you" sentence Deven wrote in his card!! That sorta ticked me off cause she knows there isn't a "me & E" anymore!!) I know things will get better but right now I really miss human companionship and touch.... I wanna sit and talk w/another adult (other then mom whom has issues with the way I am raising my sons) and make plans for the future even if it's only plans for a few months from now or even next week.... I want to be able to make a date and actually be able to GO on it without worrying about who's gonna watch the boys and if they are gonna behave, etc... I wanna sit with girlfriends and chat about life, children, men, etc and not feel out of touch with reality or like a fifth wheel... And most of all right now - I wanna be able to know that someday I WILL find the right person and all of my dreams will come true.... But right now I can't even start/stay on a diet like South Beach or Dr Phil with my wacky schedule and wacky kids.... Plus I am so tired physically.... Btwn being tired and being lonely I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings lately.... I think I am just having a pity party week so pardon me while I cry in my drink for a bit..... I need a good sob.... Til next time...
And the worst part - I really feel like I have so few friends I can turn to and talk/complain/lean on about it all... Yes I have a few wonderful friends via the internet but some of them have issues far worse if not equal to mine and I have no right to bitch to them but I really don't have many f2f people I can turn to locally.... The VERY few I do have I feel so disconnected from - even more so now that I am not married - I mean what do we really have in common anymore???
Add to all of that self pity that Valentine's Day SUCKED!!! You know how I spent it??? Driving to/from Maryland w/2 overly whiney boys while we went and got my mom... I had no one to send me "sweet nuthin's" or cuddle with me or even send an ecard telling me I was thought of... Hell even the boys blew me off - Deven made a card and little candy gift for DADDY!! While I thrilled that Deven did that it still made me feel left out (even though the teacher added "Mom &" to the front of the "Dad I love you" sentence Deven wrote in his card!! That sorta ticked me off cause she knows there isn't a "me & E" anymore!!) I know things will get better but right now I really miss human companionship and touch.... I wanna sit and talk w/another adult (other then mom whom has issues with the way I am raising my sons) and make plans for the future even if it's only plans for a few months from now or even next week.... I want to be able to make a date and actually be able to GO on it without worrying about who's gonna watch the boys and if they are gonna behave, etc... I wanna sit with girlfriends and chat about life, children, men, etc and not feel out of touch with reality or like a fifth wheel... And most of all right now - I wanna be able to know that someday I WILL find the right person and all of my dreams will come true.... But right now I can't even start/stay on a diet like South Beach or Dr Phil with my wacky schedule and wacky kids.... Plus I am so tired physically.... Btwn being tired and being lonely I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings lately.... I think I am just having a pity party week so pardon me while I cry in my drink for a bit..... I need a good sob.... Til next time...
